A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!

Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.

Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?

No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!

Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.

But I did send them., replied the man.

What? shouted the lawyer?

I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Whats the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyers office.

Is it true, said the Priest, that your firm does not charge members of the clergy?

Im afraid youre misinformed, stated the lawyer, People in your profession can look forward to a reward in the next world, but we lawyers have to take ours in this one.

Two lawyers are walking down the street and they see a beautiful woman
walking towards them. The first lawyer says, See that woman? Boy would I
love to screw her. The second lawyer says, Out of what?

Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.

No, he replied. I paid that back right after my first case.

Really, said the interviewer.
What case was that?

Uh–well, my dad sued me for it and won.

It has come to my attention recently that many people have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (code 5300). To our department, unproductive time isnt a problem.
What is a problem is not knowing exactly what people are doing during their unproductive time.
Ive attached a sheet specifying a tentative extended job list based on my observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please distribute this as necessary, and let me know about any difficulties.
For your timesheets:

Job numberExplanation
5300Meeting
5300-100
    Obstructing Communications at Meeting
5300-200
    Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
5310
Breaks5310-100
    Waiting for Break
5310-110
        Buying Snack
5310-120
        Eating Snack
5310-200
    Waiting for Lunch
5310-210
        Ordering Out
5310-220
        Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
5310-230
        Taking it Easy While Digesting Food
5310-300
    Waiting for End of Day
5310-400
    Personal Evacuation
5310-410
        Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
5310-500
    Company Drug Policy
5310-510
        Recreational Drug Use
5320Employee Relations
5320-100
    Gossip
5320-110
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
5320-120
        Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is not Present
5320-200
    Incompetence
5320-210
        Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
5320-220
        Covering for Incompetence of Manager
5320-300
    Dealing with Fellow Workers
5320-310
        Pretending You Like Coworker
5320-320
        Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
5320-330
        Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
5320-400
    Hazing of Employees
5320-410
        Playing Pranks on the New Employee
5320-420
        Playing Pranks on a Regular Employee
5320-430         Playing Pranks on an Incompetent Employee
5320-440         Playing Pranks on a Competent Employee
5320-450         Playing Pranks on the Intern/Temp
5320-460         Taking Credit for Playing Pranks on any Employee
5320-500
    Sexual Harassment in the Workplace
5320-510
        Making Passes at Coworker
5320-520         Sexually Harassing Coworker
5320-530         Sexual Intercourse
5320-540         Flirting
5330 Employee Training
5330-100     Concepts and Procedures
5330-110         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is not Interested in Learning
5330-120         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
5330-130         Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
5340 Procurement
5340-100     Company Goods
5340-110         Stealing Company Goods
5340-120         Making Excuses after Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

5340-130         Grocery Shopping (Coffee, Tea, M&Ms…)
5340-200     Company Resources
5340-210         Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
5340-220         Running your own Business on Company Time
5340-230         Working on a second job during Company Time
5350 Timesheet Activities
5350-100
    Filling Out Timesheet
5350-200     Timesheet Entries
5350-210         Inventing Timesheet Entries
5350-220         Organizing Timesheet Entries

5360 Telephone Activities
5360-100     Long-Distance Calls
5360-110         Personal Calls
5360-200     Speaking to a professional
5360-210         Divorce Lawyer
5360-220         Plumber
5360-230         Dentist
5360-240         Doctor
5360-300     Speaking to a contractor
5360-310         Fence (In Order to Sell Stolen Company Goods)
5360-320         Masseuse
5360-330         House Painter
5360-340         Personal Therapist
5360-350         Mistress
5360-400     Sales Calls
5360-410         Someone who wants to be your broker
5360-420         Hardware vendors who think you make decisions
5360-430         Software vendors who think the company will spend money to make your job easier
5360-440         Systems vendors who want to automate your job

5370 Complaints
5370-100     Bitching about:
5370-110         Lousy Job
5370-120         Low Pay
5370-130         Long Hours
5370-140         Coworker
5370-150         Boss
5370-160         Personal Problems
5370-170         General Bitching
5370-180         Business Difficulties

5380 Inspirational Activities
5380-100     Anticipation
5380-110         Waiting for Something to Happen
5380-200     Personal Hygiene
5380-210         Scratching Yourself
5380-220         Sleeping
5380-300     Personal Feelings
5389-310         Feeling Horny
5380-320         Feeling Bored
5380-330         Feeling Sorry For Yourself
5380-400     Meditation
5380-410         Staring Into Space
5380-420         Staring At Computer Screen
5380-430         Transcendental Meditation
5380-500     Fantasizing
5380-510         Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
5380-520         Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
5380-530         Unproductive Fantasizing

5390 Networking
5390-100     Fictional Writing
5390-110         Writing a Book on Company Time
5390-120         Writing an expose about the Company on Company Time
5390-200     Technical Writing
5390-210         Sending Jokes around the Office
5390-220         Sending Jokes around the Internet
5400Event Planning
5400-100    Birthdays
5400-200    Anniversaries
5400-300    Vacations
5400-400    Weddings

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer — youre in the wrong place.

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After awhile, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?

Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.

Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.

God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?

A lawyer named Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.

Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put here lies an honest lawyer.

But that wont let people know who it is! protested the lawyer.

Sure it will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats impossible!

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite moment of the week, but then one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city and it wasnt quite the same without him. A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table. Curious, she spoke up, You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week? The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say yes, but she had them on the spot. Finally one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am. He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said, Good, then Ill be there either at 6:30 or 6:45. She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said Sure, Ill be here at 6:30 or 6:45. The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They couldnt figure her out. She was again very pleasant and didnt seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her! In the third week they all had their game faces on. But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the gu