One day in Contract Law class, a Professor asked one of his better students, Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?
The student replied, Heres an orange.

The professor was livid.

No! No! Think like a lawyer! the Professor instructed.

The student then recited, Okay, Id tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, Where are we?

The man yells back, About a half mile from town.

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, He must have been a lawyer.

The other says, A lawyer! How do you know that?

The first says, That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.



Only a shilling to bury an attorney?, said the Justice, Heres a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?A: Senator.

DEAR ABBEY – I HAVE A PROBLEM I have two brothers and two sisters, one brother is a Lawyer, the other was just sentenced to death for murder.
My mother died from insanity when I was young. My two sisters are prostitutes, my father sells narcotics to feed the family.

Recently I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child and I want very, much to marry her, my problem is this…


If I marry this girl, should I tell her about my brother, the Lawyer? Please advise …

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girls grandmother.

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

Of course not, dear. replied the mother, Why would you think that? The tombstone back there said Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.

How do you know when a ventriloquist lawyer is lying?

His lips arent moving.

Q. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

A. Its called, Sosumi.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or thats Michael; hes a doctor.A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And theres the teacher; shes dead.

A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked, Give it to me straight. How long have I got? The physician replied that he doubted that the man would survive the night.

The man then said, Call for my lawyer. When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied Jesus died with a thief on either side. I just thought Id check out the same way.