Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

APPETIZERS

ROSE LOPEZ NACHOS………….$3.55
Spicy, with a thick Spanish Accent,Nachos
havent been this good since.. I cant
remember!

SOUPS & SALADS

DEJURY………………….$3.95
Aged for one year. May be bitter.

KATO SALAD…………………$3.95
An Empty head of lettuce with very little
dressing

FROM THE BAR

PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL…$4.95
Cool, with a little honey on the side. Goes
down real easy.

MARCIA CLARK BEER…………$2.85
We thought we had a case, but now were not
sure.

SANDWICHES

SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH…….$3.95
Full of bologna and hard to swallow, but a lot
of people are buying it.

FROM THE GRILL

MARK FURMAN CHICKEN….$4.95
Absolutely NO dark meat!

DENNIS FUNG PLATE…………$22.95
Grilled detective served open faced. May be
contaminated.

DESSERTS

Sorry, our bakery is temporarily closed. The
lawyers have taken all the dough.

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the drivers lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, youve told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you werent injured at all, isnt that true?

Samuel: Well … let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, Looks like he has a broken leg, and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.

Of course, I immediately replied, Im OK!

The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.

The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.

Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.



Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. Ill see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.



Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.



Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.



Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now Im going to retrieve it.

The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here.

The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.

The farmer replied, Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, OK, you old coot! Now its my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, No I give up, you can have the duck.

Beyond Internet and computer goodies, well hear some real things heard in US courtrooms such as…

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: Thats not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I dont want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Cant they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I dont want them to know it.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?

Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honour. I wasnt listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

From a defendant representing himself…

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, Im the guy who stole the chickens.

Judge: I know you, dont I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.

What? said the puzzled groom.

How can that be if youve been married ten times?

Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!

Good, said the new husband, but, why?

Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!

A New Orleans lawyer needed 75 stitches after a two-metre shark
in a restaurant aquarium lunged out and bit him.

— Canadian Lawyer, December 1988 (What a Wacky Year: a
look back at some of the strange and bizarre stories and
events of 1988)

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?A: Not enough sand.