A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

Okay, Rover, ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

Hit it, Spot, commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

Your turn, Fella, said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

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A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination of a witness, stopped and said: I object, Your Honor! One of the jurors is asleep.

The Judge ruled: You put him to sleep… You wake him up.

A poor lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court was asked to donate a dollar. Only a dollar? said the Justice, Only a buck to bury an attorney? Heres a ten spot… go and bury nine more of them.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer?

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

A woman went to her doctor in a panic.

Doctor, you must help me, she sobbed, please put my mind at rest.. Is it possible to become pregnant from anal sex..? The doctor leaned back in his chair and said, You foolish woman – of course it is. Where do you think lawyers come from…?

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, Hey! Cut it out, all right!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, I said stop it!



The rear tiger says, sorry, and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, What is it with you, anyway?



The rear tiger replies, Well, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

A lawyer charged a man $1,000 for legal services. The man paid him in cash with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together — hed been overpaid by $100.

The ethical dilemma for the lawyer:

Should he tell his partner?

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

Well said the drunk, it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.

Let me have it said the lawyer.

Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. Yes he finally said, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I dont know what it is. Where did you get it?

From my nose the drunk replied.

When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Computer Programmers

DOCTORS

Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so dont expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, hell run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients who is pretending to be sick. Hell wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this.



This is not a problem with your programmer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely hell ever meet another woman in his profession.



LAWYER

Do you seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying?



Once again, this is not a problem with your programmer spouse. He doesnt have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.



SALESMAN

See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc, where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Dont be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show.



The company that your programmer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.



HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.

Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc, just about the time you are at your sexual peak.



The only hazards that your programmer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp. And when you ask Honey, were you looking at her? hell honestly be able to say that he didnt even see her.



TEACHER

The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. Hell be in jail soon, and then youll have to look for another man.