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Men are from Mars

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Lawyers are from Uranus

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judges chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my clients defence.The judge asked, What new evidence could you have?The lawyer replied, My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!

Q: Whats the bad thing about 5 lawyers in a cattalac driving off a cliff



A: A cattalac seats SIX!

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions.

replied the lawyer.

Isnt that awfully steep?

asked the man.

Yes.

the lawyer replied, What was your third question?

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.



The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.



By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge.



Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.



Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.



No, says the tourist, but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.

The other lion asked him, Why are you licking your asshole?

The second lion replied, Aww, I just ate a lawyer and Im trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

A guy phones a law office and says: I want to speak to my lawyer. The receptionist replies, Im sorry but he died last week.



The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, I told you yesterday, he died last week.



The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?



The guy says, Because I just love hearing it.

A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husbands estate. Upon completion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took out one of the few remaining contents – a one hundred dollar bill. After he left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to it.

Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma – whether or not to tell his partner.

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California has all the lawyers?
Because New Jersey got first pick!!

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.