Having lawyers create laws is like have doctors create diseases!

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in fronts back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, What the hell do you think youre doing?

The bloke behind tells him, Well, Im a chiropractor and I cant help myself. I cant help practicing my art.

Are you crazy?

says the bloke in front, Im a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

My name is Billy. Whats yours? asked the first boy.

Tommy, replied the second.

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living? asked Billy.

Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer.

Honest? asked Billy.

No, just the regular kind. replied Tommy.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Why is a lawyer worse than a tapeworm?

because a lawyer continues sucking you even when you are dead!

One day in contract law class, a professor asked one of his better students, Now, if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it? The student replied, Heres an orange. The professor was livid. No! No! Think like a lawyer! the Professor instructed. The student then recited, Okay, Id tell him, I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isnt interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendants motion?

Public Defender: Im sorry, Your Honor. I wasnt listening.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?



The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.Saint Peter said, Well, thats fine, but its not really

quite enough to get you into Heaven.



The Lawyer said, Wait Wait! Theres more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.



Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?



Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter –

Give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell!

An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my
life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and
the will.

The lawyers first question was,
Would you please tell me what
you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed
under your will?

She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.

Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?

The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.

The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you!
But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?

The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.

This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but
Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about
how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a
bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.

The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the
County bury her!

A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.

More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.