An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyers keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

A man walks into a bar with an alligator.

Do you serve lawyers in here?, the man inquires.

Sure do!, replied the bartender.

Great!, the man said. Ill have a Coors Light, and how bout a lawyer for my gator.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says brains for sale. He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says Doctor brains $8.00 a pound’ and another sign that says ‘Paramedic brains $12.00 a pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.’
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, “how come his brains are only worth 8.00 and a lawyers worth 90.00?”
The man replies, “do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?”

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene…

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and its inoperable – in fact, its so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – theres a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, This is a ripoff – how come the lawyer brains are so expensive?

The doctor replies, Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.

What do you call 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A good start!

Lawyer: Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.

Judge: And what is the nature of the new evidence?

Lawyer: Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

Four brothers left home for college and they became
successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They discussed the gifts they were able
to give their elderly mother who lived in another
city. The first said, "I had a big house built
for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the house." The third said,
"I had a Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading
the Bible and you know she cant read anymore because
she cant see very well. I met this preacher who told
me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.
It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I
had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty
years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just
has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will
recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.
Mama wrote: "Milton, the house you built is
so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean
the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Michael,
you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound,
it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead,
Ive lost my hearing and Im nearly blind. Ill never
use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home
and I have my groceries delivered, so I never use
the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have
the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
The chicken was delicious. Thank You."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

My name is Billy. Whats yours?

asked the first boy.

Tommy, replied the second.

My Daddys an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

asked Billy. Tommy replied, My Daddys a lawyer.

Honest?

asked Billy.

No, just the regular kind, replied Tommy.