A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man.

The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked Mommy, why did they bury two men there?

Why did the accountant cross the road?

Here are the top 10 responses:



1. To open a consulting practice.



2. What else does an accountant do for fun?



3. To count the chickens.



4. Because the lawyers were on the first side.



5. It was April 15th and the bar was on the other side.



6. So he could charge the client for travel expenses.



7. The client told him to.



8. Because thats what was done in the prior year.



9. To bore the people on the other side.



10. Because he just broke GAAS on the first side.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

…And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also.

St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes.

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

A man driving up to a ski lodge in Colorado this winter had the misfortune to get stuck in the snow along the way. Looking forward to his vacation, he walked the remaining 3 miles through the snowstorm to the lodge. When he arrived, he noticed a group of lawyers sitting around the fireplace, who did not make room for him to warm himself. One of them noticed how bad he looked and commented You look like you been to Hell and back!. While another said Maybe you can tell us what its really like there!. The man replied, Its pretty much the same as here: all the lawyers are closest to the fire.

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. A million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:



1. Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?



2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?



3. Were you present when your picture was taken?



4. Were you alone or by yourself?



5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?



6. Did he kill you?



7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?



8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?



9. How many times have you committed suicide?



10. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?



11. Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?



12. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?



13. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?



14. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whos death was it terminated?



15. Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?



16. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



17. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.



18. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.



19. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.



20. Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.



21. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.



22. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Q: What do you call a 1000 lawyers under the sea?

A: A good start!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. Officer, look what theyve done to my Beeeemer!!!, he whined. You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!! retorted the officer, Youre so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didnt even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!! Oh my gaaad…., replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, Wheres my Rolex?

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.



I think librarians are the easiest said the second surgeon. When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.



The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded.



The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable.

Whats the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwin you once your dead!