** How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

** How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

** If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?



Shoot him before he hits the water!

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have

enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and

Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their

forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to

benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for

the entire $25,000.

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only
one parachute. How would you react?

Pessimist
You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.

Optimist
You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this
before.

Procrastinator
You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat
You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in
multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.

Lawyer
You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor
You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order
to make your next appointment.

Sales executive
You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their
friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service
You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold
fillings.

Advertiser
You strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with
computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer
You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.

Scientist
You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it
worked.

Mathematician
You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all
cases.

Philosopher
You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English major
You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature
You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.

Computer Science
You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human
being could.

Economics
You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they
would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis
You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.

Drama
You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person
stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art
You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican
As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not
expect handouts.

Democrat
You ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into
two equal pieces.

Libertarian
After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you
take it and jump out.

National Rifle Association
You shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot
You beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist
You refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.

Objectivist
Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free
market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh)
You get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.

Sports Fan
You start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic
As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Ross Perot
You tell them not to worry, since it wont take you long to learn how to fix
a plane.

Surgeon General
You issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers
You explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences,
studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you
serve lawyers here?

Sure we do, replied the bartender.

Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and my alligator will have a lawyer.

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. Is Mr. Spenser there? asked the client on the phone.

Im very sorry, but Mr. Spenser passed away last night, the receptionist answered. Can anyone else help you?

The man paused for a moment, then quietly said no and hung up.

Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his ex-wifes lawyer.

The receptionist said, You just called a few minutes ago, didnt you? Mr. Spenser has died. Im not making this up. The man again hung up.

Fifteen minutes later, he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The receptionist was irked by this time. Ive told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say hes dead? Dont you understand what Im saying?

The man replied, I understand you perfectly. I just like hearing you say it over and over.

A lawyer charged a client $500.00 for legal services. The client paid him with crisp new $100.00 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two of the bills had stuck together — hed been overpaid by $100.00.



The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner?

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they aint so bright after all.

Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Did he kill you?

How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

You were there until the time you left, is that true?

How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whos death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.
The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

Question: Why dont sharks bite lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: If a skunk and a lawyer both get hit by cars and are lying in the middle of the road, how do you tell them apart?
Answer: The skunk has skid marks in front of it.