Judge: Are you defending yourself?

Defendant: Yes, your Honor.

Judge: You know that if you cannot afford it, the State may appoint you a lawyer.

Defendant: I know, your Honor, but I dont want one. I plan to tell the truth.

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. Ive known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, youve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think youre a rising > > > big shot when you > > > havent the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?

She > > > again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man cant build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.

The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > youll be jailed for > > > contempt!

Q. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?



A. A good start.

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, I love my BMW, I love my BMW. Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. My BMW! My BMW! he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, Sir, sir, youre bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!

The lawyer, horrified, screamed My Rolex! My Rolex!

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in a million become a human being.

A hindu priest, rabbi and a lawyer were driving down the road, when the car breaks down.

Fortunately finding a farmhouse nearby, the farmer informed them that he had only one spare room, and that it had only two twin beds.

They were welcome to it, but one of them had to sleep in the barn.

After much discussion, the hindu volunteered to go to the barn.

A few moments later, a knock on the bedroom door, and the hidu explained that there was a cow in the barn, and cows are sacred and he could not possibly sleep in the barn with a cow.

Annoyed, the rabbi volunteered. a few moments later, a knock on the door.

The rabbi explained that there was a pig in the barn and that he, being very orthodox, could not possibly spend the evening in the barn with the origin of pork.

Finally the lawyer said that he would go to the barn.

A few moments later there was a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig!!!

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass?

, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food.

, The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children! Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

Did you hear about the lawyer who was solicited to be a Jehovahs Witness?

He refused because he didnt see the accident but said he would be interested in taking the case.

Jury: A collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding which side has hired the better lawyer.