And God said: Let there be Satan, so people dont blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people dont blame everything on Satan.

— John Wing

Lawyers creed: A man is innocent until proven broke

Oh, please excuse me! said the bunny. I didnt mean to trip over you, but Im blind and couldnt see you there.
Thats perfectly all right, replied the snake. It was MY fault. I didnt mean to trip you, but Im blind too, and I didnt see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?
Well, I really dont know, said the bunny. Since Im blind, Ive never seen myself. Perhaps you could examine me and then well both know?So the snake felt the bunny all over and said, Well, youre soft and cuddly; you have long silky ears, a fluffy little tail and a twitchy little nose … you must be a BUNNY RABBIT! [The little blind bunny was so pleased at this that he danced with joy.] The bunny said, I cant thank you enough. What kind of animal are you, sir?
The snake said he didnt know, for the same reason. The bunny agreed to examine him, and when he finished the snake asked, So, what kind of animal am I?
The bunny said, Youre hard, youre cold, youre slimy, and you havent got any balls — you must be a lawyer.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.

The defendant smiled. With his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.

The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldnt they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Its just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isnt 11 pronounced onety one?

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A. Cut the rope.

Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.

Lawyer: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Witness: I only have one, you know.

Lawyer: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?

Accused, Defending His Own Case: Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 15th.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Lawyer: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?
Witness: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.
Lawyer: Can you identify the rifle?
Witness: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.
Lawyer: And what did the writing say?
Witness: Winchester!

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
Witness: No. He was wearing a mask.
Lawyer: What was he wearing under the mask?
Witness: Er…his face.

Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Lawyer: And you check your radar unit frequently?
Officer: Yes, I do.
Lawyer: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?
Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

Lawyer: What happened then?
Witness: He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: Now sir, Im sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
Witness: Thank you. If I werent under oath, Id return the compliment.

Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Lawyer: So you were gone until you returned?

Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?

Lawyer: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or a female?

Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
Witness: I went to Europe, sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: Thats me.
Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Lawyer: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
Witness: Ill be three months on November 8.
Lawyer: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: What were you doing at that time?

Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
Witness: Four times.

Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there girls?

Lawyer: You dont know what it was, and you didnt know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, Id like to strike the next question.

Lawyer: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.
Lawyer: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?

Lawyer: What is your brother-in-laws name?
Witness: Borofkin.
Lawyer: Whats his first name?
Witness: I cant remember.
Lawyer: Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first name?
Witness: No. I tell you, Im too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heavens sake, tell them your first name!

Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Lawyer: What is your marital status?
Witness: Fair.

Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness: No, Im divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didnt know about.

Lawyer: And who is this person you are speaking of?
Witness: My ex-widow said it.

Lawyer: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
Witness: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Lawyer: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
Witness: Yes sir.
Lawyer: Before or after he died?

Lawyer: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Lawyer: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: What was he doing with the dogs ears?
Witness: Picking them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Attached to the ears.

Lawyer: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
Other Lawyer: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Lawyer: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: How old are you?
Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
Witness: She is my daughter.
Lawyer: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Lawyer: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

Lawyer: Now, doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesnt know anything about it until the next morning?

Lawyer: And what did he do then?
Witness: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Lawyer: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Witness: He didnt offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.

Lawyer: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes, bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on…what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

Lawyer: Could you see him from where you were standing?
Witness: I could see his head.
Lawyer: And where was his head?
Witness: Just above his shoulders.

Lawyer: Do you drink when youre on duty?
Witness: I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

Lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Witness: The victim lived.

Lawyer: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isnt it? You too were shot in the fracas.
Witness: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Lawyer: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
Witness: Because he was argumentary, and he couldnt pronunciate his words.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.

Ill take the lawyers heart, said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

It was easy, the patient replied. I wanted a heart that hadnt been used.