Q: What can a goose do, that a duck cant do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

A very good man died, and as a reward for a life well spent, went to heaven.
When he arrived, St. Peter met him at the gate. Welcome, said St. Peter,
since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven.

Thank you, said the man. But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of
other people are here?

Well, all kinds, replied St. Peter.

Are there any convicted criminals in heaven? asked the man.

Yes, some, said St. Peter.

Are there any communists in heaven? asked the man.

Yes, there are, replied St. Peter.

Are there any Nazis in heaven? asked the man.

Just a few, said St. Peter.

Well, are there any lawyers in heaven? asked the man.

St. Peter replied, What, and ruin it for everyone else?

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel. This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the lawyer passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him,

Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, What is it, honey?

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.



He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious. What are you doing, honey? she asked.



Im looking for loopholes! he shouted.

A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.

– Ben Franklin

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A. Shoot him before he hits the water.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. Your estate is very complex, said the lawyer, but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said $500, the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. Oh well, she said to herself, $500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad.

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.



Here lies an honest man and a lawyer, responded the lawyer.



Sorry, but I cant do that, replied the stonecutter. In this state, its against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put Here lies an honest lawyer.



But that wont let people know who it is, protested the lawyer.



It most certainly will, retorted the stonecutter. People will read it and exclaim, Thats Strange!