Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, youve looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?

He was acquitted.

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasnt you. -$50.00.

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, Im sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and wont be able to look into this for at least a month.

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, What can I do for you, sir?

Nothing, replied the young man.
Im just here to hook up your phone.

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

Your honor, he said, I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.

Why ? asked the judge. He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?

Well, your honor, replied Carlson, I didnt have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As hed had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?

.

Im going to the church 5 miles down the road!, replied the priest.

No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, Im sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.

Thats okay, replied the priest.

I got him with the door!

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Franciscos Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

Twelve dollars for the rat, sir, says the shop owner, and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.

You can keep the story, old man, he replies, but Ill take the rat.

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time hes walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the waters edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

Ah, so youve come back for the rest of the story, says the owner.

No, says the tourist, I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Two lawyers are walking on the beach. A lovely blond woman in a skimpy bikini walks by.

Lawyer #1 says, Boy, wouldnt you like to screw her?

Lawyer #2 then asks, Screw her out of what?

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE2. Isnt making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?3. OK…. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?9. Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?12. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ….theyre cramming for their final exam.14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?15. If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.17. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer.



The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:



He would inscribe, Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: Thats Strange!