A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!

What do you say to a busload of lawyers crashing over a five hundred foot cliff? Got room for one more?

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in thats a shame)?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a crying shame?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

A: An offer you cant understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?

A. In the cemetery.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why dont you swerve to hit him?

A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

A: Because deep down, theyre really good people.

Q: What does a lawyer use for birth-control?

A: His personality.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck cant, and a lawyer should?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, b-lines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?

Absolutely, the lawyer responded. The butcher immediately shot back, Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.

The contents read Consultation: $25.00.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean?

asked the attorney.

Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, he doesnt, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

One more Lincoln story that came to mind:

As a young lawyer, Lincoln was pleading a case and asked a witness (appropos of what I do not recall, though perhaps the use of heresay evidence): How many legs does a cow have?

The man grinned at the foolish question and said, Four, of course.

And how many legs would the cow have if we called her tail a leg, continued Lincoln.

With a partonizing sneer, the witness replied, Five.

No, my friend, shed still have four. Just calling her tail a leg doesnt make it a leg.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. Im too young to die. Im only fifty five.

Fifty five? says Saint Peter. No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.

How in the world did you get that number? the lawyer asks.

Answers St. Peter: We added up the billable hours you charged your clients.

Monty Stein, in the year 3047, committed quite a heist and made off with quite a tidy sum. He was eventually caught, and the judge sentenced him to seven years imprisonment.

However, the night before his impending incarceration, he calmly set his time machine for seven years and one day, and stepped through.

When he emerged in 3054, there was quite an uproar. Prosecution maintained that Monty Stein never actually served the sentence, since effectively no time passed for him.

Defense stated that the effect was basically the same, since he lost seven years of living in society, or something to that effect.

Both sides called each other names (as lawyers are wont to do).

Eventually, Stein was set free. Some say that the judge succumbed to peer pressure; others said that he simply couldnt resist the temptation.

For his decision, in full, was: A NICHE IN TIME SAVES STEIN. (By Isaac Asimov)

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Casper the Ghost and Donald Duck were losing, when Casper picked up the two, three, four, five and seven of hearts.

He was unable to scare any of the other players into folding their hands as all but Casper drew one or two cards. The bidding on the second round was quite animated as the pot grew to the largest to date.

Casper showed his hand and started to take the pot when Roger put down the King, eight, six, five and three of spades to beat him. The moral of the story: THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING BUT THE FLUSH WAS WEAK.

Received from Stan The Pun Man Kegel.

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.

The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?

I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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