A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.Arent you going to have a drink yourself? asked the doctor.Sure, after the police leave, replied the lawyer.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.



Look, said one, lets be honest with each other.



Okay, you first, replied the other.



That was the end of the discussion.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.



He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.



The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. But how? inquired the lawyer. You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.



The jury foreman replied: Oh, we looked, but your client didnt.

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.

After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station.

After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings.

Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.

This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)

Hot Dang, the Pope says to His-self, If hes getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!.

They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.

The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out Hey Pete! Whats the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. Were putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because hes the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat. The lawyer said You are correct. How much was the meat? The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 for legal consultation.

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What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?



Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

How much does it cost for engineer brain?

Three dollars an ounce.

How much does it cost for programmer brain?

Four dollars an ounce.

How much for lawyer brain?

$1,000 an ounce.

Why is lawyer brain so much more?

Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

From Operating System Concepts, 3rd Edition by A. Silbershatz, J.
Peterson, and P. Galvin: In the section introducing
multiprogrammming, the book makes an analogy to try to make things
clearer:

[..discussion of CPU switching from job to job instead of waiting for
I/O to finish on current job…]

This idea is quite common in other life situations. A lawyer does
not have only one client at a time. Rather, several clients may be in
the process of being served at the same time. While one case is
waiting to go to trial or to have papers typed, the lawyer can work on
another case. With enough clients, a lawyer never need be idle.
(Idle lawyers tend to become politicians, so there is a certain social
value in keeping lawyers busy.)