Justice, American Style

The following exchange happened last March 5 on the show Politically Incorrect, between Bill Maher, the host, and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I dont remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely dont know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents heads off.

Leslie: No, they didnt. They didnt blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didnt blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

1. Lawyers dont think theyre funny.2. The rest of us dont think theyre jokes!

Four doctors who hadnt seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they started talking about what makes a good surgical patient.
The first said, Electrical engineers, because you open em up and everything is color-coded. Nah, said the second. Its librarians. You open em up and everything is alphabetized. The third scoffed. Of course not, he said. Its accountants. You open em up and everything is numbered. Lawyers, said the fourth, with a shake of his head. Its lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.

NASA was interviewing professionals they were planning on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy would never return to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

One million dollars, the engineer answered. And I want to donate it all to my alma mater — Rice University.

The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

Two millions dollars, the doctor said. I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, You give me three million, Ill give you one million, Ill keep a million, and well send the engineer.

Q: What do you call throwing all the lawyers in the ocean?
A: A good start.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!

Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a b*stard in the family than a lawyer.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
…And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also. St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes. St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said Im a doctor, I save lives, so I must live, and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, Im a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, My son, Ive lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack.

A lawyer is bombing along the moterwat in his brand new Ferarri F50. All of a sudden he loses control of the vehicle and drives onto the wrong side of the road. He has a head-on collision with a lorry. A passer-by saw the accident and phoned for an ambulance. The lawyers car was smashed up. When the paramedics arrived they found the lawyer through the windshield. The lawyer was screaming,oh no! My car,my car! The paramedic replied, I dont think you should worried about your car sir, your arm has come clean of.

The lawyer shouted,oh no my Rolex, my Rolex!

Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

A: Another lawyer.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

Q: What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

A: The vulture eventually lets go.

Person 1: Im beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

Person 2: Why do you say that?

Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

Well, said the general, we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge–and boy, did they know how to charge.

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, youre soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said youre slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer.

A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow.

God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, And where do you think YOURE going to find a lawyer?

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?

Really? the other replied, Why did you switch?

Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants dont get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat wont do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human

beings.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you its financially hard to get back on your feet.