An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.



The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, however his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell.



When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, Who do you think has all of the judges!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch – he couldnt return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. One million dollars, he answered, because I want to donate it to M.I.T.

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. I want to give a million to my family, he explained, and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewers ear, Three million dollars.

Why so much more than the others? the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, If you give me $3 million, Ill give you $1 million, Ill keep $1 million, and well send the engineer.

THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM

You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute.

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
just like this before.

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
in order to make your next appointment.

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.

Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
dental floss.

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
on how well it worked.

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will work in all cases.

Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.

English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.

Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
languages.

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
how much they would pay for a parachute.

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
of.

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.

Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
and not expect handouts.

Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
parachute into two equal pieces.

Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
parachute, you take it and jump out.

Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to
learn how to fix a plane.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
your health.

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.

National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.

Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.

Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as the free market will take care of the other person.

Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to
come out.

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, Did you see my client commit this burglary?

Yes, said Sam, I saw him plainly take the goods.

The lawyer asks Sam again, Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?

Yes says Sam, I saw him do it.

Then the lawyer asks Sam, Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?

Sam says, I can see the moon, how far is that?

Court scene: 1st Lawyer: Youre a fool 2nd Lawyer: And youre a damn fool. Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it, Im sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that Im not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. Ill have to get back to you then. He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, Now, what can I do for you?

Nothing, replied the man. Im here to hook up your phone.