Poze din categoria ‘Lawyer’ Category

Too Close to the Lexus

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the drivers side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.



When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I cant believe how materialistic you lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you dont notice anything else.



How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.



The cop replied, Dont you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.



My God! screamed the lawyer. Wheres my Rolex?

Generous lawyer

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, Um … no.

The lawyer interrupts, or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident, the lawyers voice rising in indignation, leaving her penniless with three children?!

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Lawyer One Liners #1

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

** How can a pregnant woman tell that shes carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

** How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

** How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories.

Space photography

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

dead snake

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

How many lawyers does

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?



3 1/2 if you slice em right.

Deal with the Devil

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wifes soul, your childrens souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, So, whats the catch?

The Stella Awards – funny but bogus

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

Below is an item that appeared recently in various Humor lists. It did not appear credible to me, so I wrote to the Association of Trial Lawyers of America for their comments on its veracity. Their comments (including a little propaganda for their side) follow the summary of the Stella Awards below. We may have some goofy legal decisions in America, but the ones below appear to be bogus.

Origin of the Stella Awards:

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonalds coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award – The Stella Award – for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates.

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little rodent was Ms. Robertsons son.

June 1998: 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didnt notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbors hubcaps.

October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldnt re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowners insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbors beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owners fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnsons microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnsons poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, just a few minutes, on low, The case was quickly dismissed.

Reply from Association of Trial Lawyers of America

You are, of course, right to be skeptical. These reputed cases simply do not exist. Searches for articles and litigation matching these stories cannot be found. The first tip-off to the fact that they are phony is that no case citations are included. And these are only a few of the phony cases circulating around the internet for many months.

One analysis of this phony e-mail mentioned that, Some versions bear the following footer, although many omit it:

PLEASE ASSIST OUR LAW OFFICES IN A TORT REFORM PROGRAM. WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO PUT A STOP TO THESE INSANE JURY AWARDS BY SENDING THIS E-MAIL OUT TO THE PUBLIC IN THE HOPES OF SWAYING PUBLIC OPINION. PLEASE FORWARD IT TO EVERY EMAIL ADDRESS YOU KNOW.

Mary R. Hogelmen, Esq.

Law Offices of Hogelmen, Hogelmen, and Thomas

Dayton Ohio

There is no law firm of Hogelmen, Hogelmen, and Thomas in Dayton, Ohio, as a call to directory assistance quickly confirmed. This detail was included to give the mailing credibility in the eyes of those who received it – if a law firm had pulled this list together to build grassroots support for its tort reform program, then it went without saying a pack of lawyers had properly researched each item and were guaranteeing the information provided. But of course this detail was as false as everything else in the e-mail.

Whenever you are sent anything like this, you should ask the purveyor for more details, especially the case names or citations. I assure you that, in most cases, those details cannot and will not be provided, because they do not exist. Even some real cases that seem frivolous at first glance may not be, or if the facts presented have any basis in truth, they have been dismissed or crucial facts have been omitted from the story-telling.

Thank you for your skepticism and for your understanding that there are people and corporations that want to make Americans distrustful of citizen juries (thats you, me, our neighbors, friends, and co-workers) and a legal system that, in spite of its imperfections, is the bedrock of our democracy and the envy of people in every other nation in the world. Our civil justice system has multiple safeguards to help assure that justice is achieved, as it is in most instances.

Carlton Carl

Director of Media Relations

Association of Trial Lawyers of America

Motor Accident

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, Are you seriously hurt?

How do I know? the driver responds. Im not a lawyer!

Expert Advice

Poza publicata in [ Lawyer ]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?

I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.