A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, Im here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How do you start a flood? he asked.

** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.

** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.

Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A terrible tragedy. Even lawyers have families, friends, and loved ones that will miss them from this suspicious drowning.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

Four surgeons are having a coffee after performing surgery.

I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered.

says the first.

I think librarians are the easiest, said the second surgeon.

When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered.

The third surgeon said, I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are colour coded.

The fourth one said, I like to operate on lawyers. Theyre heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?
New Jersey got to pick first.

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say you cant take it with you. But who knows? Suppose theyre mistaken. Id like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that its useful, Ill have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we havent be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friends money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?

The student replied, Heres an orange.

The professor was outraged. No! No! Think like a lawyer!

The student then replied, Okay. Id tell him I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five
each other. * During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway. * He tells you that his last good case was a
Budweiser. * He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose. * During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. * He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger. * Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the
stand! and proceeds to drink a shot. * He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. * He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table

A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the Truck Driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer.
Then he thought Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I cant run down this lawyer and at the last second the Truck Driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the Truck Driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.


He turned to the priest and said Sorry Father, I just missed that Lawyer at the side of the road And the priest said Dont worry son, I got him with my door