A Hindu Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer were all traveling together and came upon an Inn with only two available rooms. The Innkeeper said that one of them must volunteer to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu volunteered but two minutes later there was a knock at the door. The Hindu Priest said I can not sleep in the barn because there is a cow there.

The Rabbi then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was another knock at the door. The Rabbi returned saying I can not sleep in the barn because there is a pig in there.

The lawyer then volunteered to sleep in the barn. Two minutes later there was a knock at the door. It was the cow and the pig.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

(This joke is from a professor who refered to lawyers as the second
oldest profession:)

There once was a dog show to determine the worlds smartest dog. Three
dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged
to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer.

For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could
make.

The doctor said, Stethascope, go! The dog built a human skeleton.

The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided
to give the other dogs a try.

The engineer said, Slide-rule, go! (So, its an old joke.) The dog built
a suspension bridge.

The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick?

The lawyer said. Loop-hole, go! The dog ate the bones, got a percentage
of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to Heaven.

St. Peter was having a
bad day since heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven and each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with almost all of its passengers?

The teacher thought for a second, and replied: That would have been the Titanic, right?. And St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven didnt REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, uncharitably decided to make the question a little harder: How many people died on the ship?

The garbage man guessed. 1228.

That happens to be correct, go ahead.

St. Peter turned to the Lawyer: Name them.

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, Well have they
got a verdict yet?

The bailiff shook his head and said, Verdict? Hell, theyre still
doing nominating speeches for the foremans position!

The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?

Oh, said the man, I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.

1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.



2. He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.



3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.



4. He picks the jury by playing duck-duck-goose.



5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.



6. He asks a hostile witness to pull my finger.



7. A prison guard is shaving your head.



8. Every couple of minutes he yells, I call Jack Daniels to the stand! and proceeds to drink a shot.



9. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.



10. He places a large No Refunds sign on the defense table.



11. He begins closing arguments with, As Ally McBeal once said …



12. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.



13. Just before trial starts he whispers, The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?



14. Just before he says Your Honor, he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.



15. The sign in front of his law office reads Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.



16. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, Whatever.



17. He giggles every time he hears the word briefs.

There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meets St. Peter and pleads, I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!. St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, Theres no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clinets, you are 176 years old.

** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: I ask you a question, and if you dont know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, Okay, if you dont know the answer you pay me $5, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $50 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blondes attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: Whats the distance from the earth to the moon?

The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, its the blondes turn. She asks the lawyer: What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

Well, so what IS the answer?


Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.