A lawyers dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyers office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner?

The lawyer answers, Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got $25 between us.

The boss screamed: I warned you to stay clear of lawyers–we had $100 when we broke in!

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasnt true. Im as sober as you are, your honor, the man claimed.

The judge replied, Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?

A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: Whats the difference between a lawyer and a tick?

A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Q: Whats the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as a place for the accumulation of learning is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out–and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since

1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin. Sit down, said the judge. That is the prosecuting attorney.

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: Have you ever been arrested? No, he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was why?. Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it Never got caught.

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.

Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. Isnt it true, he bellowed, that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadnt heard the question.

Isnt it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case? the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, Sir, please answer the question.

Oh, the startled witness said, I thought he was talking to you.

A lawyers dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyers office and asks, if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dogs owner? The lawyer answers, Absolutely.

Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today.

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession.

The engineer replied, But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine.

Then, the lawyer spoke up. Yes, he said, But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies wont jump all over you no matter what youre studying.

4. There are some things even a rat wont do.