How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many can you afford?

An investment counsellor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realised she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

As Im sure you can understand, she started off with one of the first applicants, in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.

She leaned forward.

Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?

Honest?

replied the job prospect.

Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, Im so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

Impressive….. And what sort of case was that?

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, He sued me for the money.

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

I know a great trial lawyer, the fellow said, but hes expensive and doesnt know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer, he continued, whos not a great trial lawyer, but hes cheap and really knows how to pick a jury.

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbour, began his testimony.

I saw Jed mount his goat from behind, he said, and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jeds pecker.

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, You know, a good goat will do that.

A small, uncertain, and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, Have you ever been married?

Yes, sir, said the witness in a low voice.

Once.

Whom did you marry?

Well, a woman.

The lawyer said angrily, Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?

And the witness said meekly, My sister did.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers club by mistake.

The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape.

It aint so bad, one crook noted. We got out with $25 between us.

I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!, the boss screamed. We had over $100 when we broke in!

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.

In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like hell probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all, the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room, he says and he looks toward the courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.

Finally the lawyer says: Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.

A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

But how? inquires the lawyer. You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.

Answers the representative: Oh, we did look. But your client didnt.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Q: How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
A: When your lawyer doesnt seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a dalmation?
A: A dalmation knows when to stop chasing the ambulance.

Q: What do slime molds have more of than lawyers?
A: Respect.

Q: What does molds, ooze, and lawyers have in common?
A: Theyre all slime.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: What are some of the requirements in becoming a lawyer?
A: You must be able to get muggers, rapists, and pope abusers off the hook, and must have at least one relative who works at IBM.

Q: What kind of lure must you use if you want to attract lawyers so as to shoot them?
A: You may use any as long as it yells every once in a while Im gonna sue! or Help, Ive fallen and I cant get up!

Q: What would happen if you lock a cannibal in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death.

Q: Why dont hyenas eat lawyers?
A: Even hyenas have some dignity.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: If a vampire bites a lawyer, isnt that cannibalism?

Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said Im here cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.



Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer, Im here cause my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.



The lawyer pondered the engineers plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, How do you start a flood?