Little Jonny did not go to school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him why, he said Our cow was on heat, so I had to take her to the Bull.

How disgusting said the teacher I am sure your father could have done that

No mam, he couldnt have said the little sod It has to be the Bull.

Little Johnny walks into his mothers room and catches her topless.

Mommy, Mommy, what are those? He says pointing to her breasts.

Well, son, These are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!

What do you mean? Says his mother.

Well, shes out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, Im coming! God, Im coming!

6 year old Marilyn and 4 year old Little Johnny were upstairs playing in their play room. Marilyn said I think its about time we start swearing. Dont you?

Little Johnny nodded in agreement.

Marilyn said Ok, I say ass and you say hell.

Little Johnny again nodded his head in agreement and they went downstairs for breakfast. Their mom asked Marilyn what she wants to eat.

Marilyn replied Well hell mom, Ill have some Cheerios.

Her mom spanked her and sent her to her room. She then asked Little Johnny what he wanted for breakfast.

Little Johnny said I dont know, but you bet your ass it wont be Cheerios!

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like other boys his age, rather curious. He
had been hearing quite a bit about courting from the older boys and he
wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his
mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described
everything he saw to his mother…

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the
lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because
he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would.
Except hes not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble
finding her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold
because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to
moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This
was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was
really hot.

Finally, I found what was making them so sick – a big eel had gotten inside his
pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches
long. Honest! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

Whatchamaclit, when sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her
mouth fell open and she started calling to God and what not. She said it was the
biggest one shed ever seen – I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she
grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his
pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he
helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis
started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess
they wanted to kill the eel.

After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up
and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung
there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were
a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He
started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasnt dead! It jumped
straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eels are like cats, they
have nine lives or something.

This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a
35-minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time
because I saw siss boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out.

If I gave you $200, the teacher began, and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?

An orgy, Johnny answered.

In school the lesson was about the word contagious. The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, I had the chicken pox and I couldnt go outside and play because it was contagious.

The teacher replied, That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?

One of the boys said, I couldnt go over my friends house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious.

The teacher replied, Thats good. Anyone else?

Little Johnny said, Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snowblower and blew all the snow into my neighbors driveway.

The teacher was upset and said, That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson.

Johnny spoke up, Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnnys turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, waited a short time and make a second small white dot next to the first.

Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

Its a period, reported Johnny.
Yes, I can understand that, she said, but what is so exciting about a period?

Damned if I know, said Johnny, but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.

One day at the end of class, little Johnnys teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that ends with a moral, so theres a lesson to be learned. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road. When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, Dont keep all your eggs in one basket.

Little Lucy went next. My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched. Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, Dont count your chickens before they hatch.

Next up was little Johnny. My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

The teacher was completely shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. Well, Johnny replied, Dont fight with Uncle Ted when hes been drinking!

Little Johnnys teacher asked him, Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, bitter end in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end.