An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.

Spinster: A bachelors wife.

My other wife is beautiful.

My opinions are my wifes, and she says Im lucky to have them.

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them.

His wife looked at him calmly and said, Why do you think I gave you the poison?

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited.

The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up, you look so excited.

The bride replies I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.

A man goes to his doctor and says, ?I don?t think my wife?s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?? The doctor replies, ?Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn?t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.? The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, ?What?s for dinner, honey?? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, ?Honey, what?s for supper?? She screams, ?For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!?

A married man left work early on a Friday. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the entire weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.

When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, How would you like it if you didnt see me for a couple of days?

That would suit me just fine he replied.

Monday went by, and the man didnt see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went, with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling had gone down a bit and he could see her, just a little, out of the corner of his left eye.

A man and a woman drove along in silence — the quiet part of a nasty argument. Their country drive took them past a farm with a pigpen full of pigs wallowing in the mud.

Relatives of yours? she asked sarcastically.

Yep — those are my in-laws, he replied.

The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]

The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it

The wife says: All were going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: Im coming back with enough to fill this place.

The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him

The wife says: Im not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!