Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I havent been able to find anybody wholl take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: Isnt it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.

The wife replied: Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?

Once youre married, sex is like poker. You dont need a good partner, just a good hand.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, hed be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., hed be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:

We will wake the kids – 54 times

Its too late – 15 times

Im too tired – 42 times

Its too early – 12 times

Its too hot – 18 times

Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

The neighbors will hear – 9 times

Headache or backache – 26 times

Sunburn – 10 times

Your mother will hear us – 9 times

Not in the mood – 21 times

Watching the late show – 17 times

Too sore – 26 times

New hairdo – 6 times

Wrong time of the month – 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve

this, shall we??Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

Did not come home at all – 36 times

Did not come – 21 times

Came too soon – 38 times

Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

Cramps in your leg – 16 times

Working too late – 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?

Love, Your Wife

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jakes wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jakes old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jakes minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?

Well, Jake replied, The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, Is that mule for sale!?

A very logical and somewhat cold calculating professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife:

Dear Wife:

You must realize that now you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. Ill be home before midnight.

Your Husband,

Professor Malone

—–

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

—–

Dear Husband:

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Since you are a mathematician, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

Your Wife,

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, Whats that for?

Its for your headache, he replies

But I dont have a headache, she states.

He replies, Gotcha!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.