An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

Ive never been better! he boasted. Ive got an eighteen year old bride whos pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened? the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, No.

The doctor continued, The bear dropped dead in front of him!

Thats impossible! exclaimed the old man. Someone else must have shot that bear.

Thats kind of what Im getting at, replied the doctor.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness? He got the following reply.

Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmothers mother. Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since Im married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: Move over!

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

Elliot, she said, pointing do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?

The husband looked over and nodded.

Well, the woman continued, hes been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!

The husband returned to his meal. Nonsense, he said, even thats not worth so much celebrating!

After the annual office party, John woke up with a headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife was preparing breakfast. Gina, he moaned, tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?

Even worse, she declared, her voice dripping with scorn. You made a complete jerk of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!

Hes an jerk, piss on him.

You did, Gina informed him. And he fired you.

Well, screw him!, said John.

I did. Youre back at work on Monday!

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else. The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to?

A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.

Yes, you, sir, in the first row, said the dietician. Please give us your idea.

The man grinned and blurted, Wedding cake!

Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.

John: I didnt sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?

Bob: Ahhhh….Im not sure. What was your wifes maiden name?

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

One day our Little niece Rita went up to her mother and asked, Mom, where did I come from?

My sister in law stammered a bit, but finally got her composure. She thought it was time her daughter knew the facts of life. So, she told Little Rita how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As my sister in law gave the whole story, Ritas eyes got wider and wider.

When She was finished, Little Rita said Wow, thats really neat. That sure beats what Uncle Rusty told me. He said that he came from Pennsylvania.

A husband and his wife were sound asleep when suddenly the phone rang.

The husband picked up the phone and said, Hello? How the heck do I know? What do I look like, a weatherman? He then slammed the phone down and settled into bed.

Who was that? asked his wife.

I dont know. It was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.