My wife says if I go fishing one more time shes going to leave me. Gosh, Im going to miss her.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friends girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless shes really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. — John Lyly

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

Gary matched Dan, drink for drink, trying to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

Gentle prodding was ignored until after downing his ninth, Dan blurted out, OK, its your wife.

My wife? his friend demanded. What about my wife?

I think shes cheating on us.

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. — Dick Martin

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… I know you havent been getting much lately…but I didnt know you were so worried about it!

Alan and his wife, Debbie, are working in the garden. Debbie bends over to rip up weeds.

Wow, Debbie, Alan says. Your butt is getting really wide.

No, its not! Debbie says.

Debbie walks towards the barbecue grill to throw the weeds in a trash can.

Your butt is getting so big that its almost wider than the grill! Alan says.

He gets a tape measure and measures Debbie and the grill.

Ha, Alan says. Your butts the same exact size as the grill!

Debbie ignores Alans comments and refuses to speak to him for three days. On the fourth night, theyre lying in bed watching television.

I could sure use some lovin, Alan says.

Debbie looks over at him and yells, Dont think for one minute that Im going to fire up this big grill for one little weenie!

Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.