One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, You should be hung.

I calmly replied, I am. Thats why she cuts the grass.

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Babys Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette

-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?

Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the womans horse mis-steps and jostles the mans wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, Thats one. The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the womans horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, Thats two! He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the womans horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the womans horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, Thats three, removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, Thats terrible, why would you do such a thing!

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, Thats one!

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

John and Nancy decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their six-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said. An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed. Looks like the Smiths have company, he called out, Matt is riding a new bike and the Sanders are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She said, I want a divorce.

He replied in shock, I wasnt planning on spending that much.

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Balloons

Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.

In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.