A man complains to a friend, I cant take it anymore.

Whats wrong? his concerned friend asks.

Its my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!

You mean hysterical, his friend said, chuckling.

No, I mean HISTORICAL, the man insists. Every argument we have, shell go I still remember that time when you ….

Do you already have a child?

During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the part about, If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry, speak up now or forever hold your peace… have this four-to-six year old boy running up the aisle yelling, Daddy, daddy. I understand from a friend who played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding started again.

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say my darling. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: Pardon?

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied, Joes mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

Well, replied the man, she must have had a lot of friends.

Nope, said the farmer, we all just want to buy his mule.

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening. The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember, she says. I am going to treat you like a king. She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her…Honey? he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husbands dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. Honey? he whispers. She rolls over and yells, Oh sure! You dont have to get up in the morning!!!

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied, Well, every time that a little girl does something wrong and makes her mommy cry or makes her unhappy, one of her hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and said:

You must have really pissed off Grandma.

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

But, officer, the man began, I can explain

Just be quiet, snapped the officer. Im going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.

But, officer, I just wanted to say

And I said to keep quiet! Youre going to jail!

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, Lucky for you that the chiefs at his daughters wedding. Hell be in a good mood when he gets back.

Dont count on it, answered the fellow in the cell. Im the groom.

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits, he said. Why dont you take your blouse off and well see what he does?

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

Hey, the husband said, lets really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and well see what he does.

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. Now, said the husband with an evil smile, tell HIM you have a headache!