A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. Whats the matter, dear?, she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this time of night?. The husband looks up from his coffee, Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16? he asks solemnly. Yes I do she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex? Yes, I remember says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or Ill send you to jail for 20 years? I remember that too she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, I would have gotten out today.

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wifes panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, shell never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wifes panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he hed be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toliet.

How did you get in here so fast? he asked.

Shhhhh!!! she replied, youll wake-up my mother!

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he?s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

My darling, he writes, it looks like we?re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I?m starting to miss you and we?re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation?s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them.

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, Why don?t you learn to play this?

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. Darling he says, I can?t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. First, let?s see how well you play that harmonica.

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. Of course you are! she said. And also the best too. I dont know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

There was a guy telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. But it ended, he said, when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees.

What did she say? asked the friend.

The husband replied, She said, Come out from under that bed, you coward!

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So lets come to grips here. Honey… have you ever cheated on me? Ive never cheated on you.
He saw the twisted look on his wifes face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: How many times? And when?

The wife responded, Well… you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldnt get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?

The husband stared. You mean youre the one who got him to?

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. I guess thats okay. Any other times?

Well… when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time… I kinda…

Ah, youre the one who made it possible.

The husband looked honestly relieved. Well, thats understandable, you saved my life. Any others?

She nodded. One more.

The husband leaned forward. Well… you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes…?

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?

She says, Bernie, I want a divorce.

My goodness, he says, I wasnt planning on spending that much.

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court, said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no, no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!