Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

Its just too hot to wear clothes today, complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Dont marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

Do you know what I?m doing? he asks.

Yes, she replies. You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.

That?s right, says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. Do you know what I?m doing now?

You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer, she replies.

Correct, says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. Do you know what I?m doing now?

Yes, she says. You?re getting herpes?which is why I came here in the first place.

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him this is all in your mind, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, I can cure this, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 1 2 3 and it shall rise for as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens after when its over?.

The witch doctor says all you have to say is 1 2 3 4 and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says 1 2 3, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 1 2 3 for?

A yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at ten o?clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn?t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, ?What the hell took you so long? You?re more than two hours late.?

?Hey, give me a break!? whined the yuppie. ?I?m a 27 handicap.?

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product Im referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.

The man lowered his head and said, Wedding cake.

The father was very anxious to marry off his only daughter so he wanted to impress her date. Do you like to screw? he asked.

Huh?! replied the surprised first date.

My daughter, she loves to screw and shes good at it. You and her should go screw, explained the father.

Now very interested the boy replied, Yes, sir!!!

Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, Dammit, Daddy, its the TWIST, get it right!

A husband is whats left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland

A man had a habit of buying things immediately after reading the ads about the products in the paper. Naturally, his wife was not too happy about it. One day the man read an ad about a sale on steel-belted radial tires. He jumped up, exclaiming that he would quickly buy four tires while the sale was on.

The wife complained, ?I dont know whats wrong with you. You are going to buy four expensive tires when youve got a crappy old car??

The man replied, ?Dont make such a big deal about it! I dont complain when you buy new bras, do I??