A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“Ive been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like youve had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.”

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?

This married couple was enjoying a dinner out when this gorgeous blonde walks over to their table, exchanges warm greetings with the husband and walks off.

Who was that? Demands the wife.

If you must know, that was my mistress.

Your MISTRESS? I want a divorce!

Are you sure you want to give up a big house in the suburbs, a Mercedes, furs, jewelry, and a vacation home in Mexico?

They continued dining in silence for a while. Finally, the woman asks,

Isnt that Howard over there? Whos he with?

That’s HIS mistress.

Oh… Well I think ours is cuter.

Why do men enjoy getting head so much?

Its five minutes of peace and quiet.

————–

Why do men enjoy head so much?

Its the only thing a guy gets into a girls head straight.

One way ticket across the country

A grooms friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.

When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.

The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say I do.

An extensive interview was being conducted on an old couple.

The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman . . . . . DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?

The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied: NO . . . . . STATE FARM.

Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?

The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust-line forty four.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her boobs grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what has happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says: Mirror mirror on the door, make my manhood touch the floor!. Again, theres a bright flash and both his legs fall off.

Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he doesnt wear anything at all.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husbands is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up.

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. Im sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist.

Q. Im two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If its the flu, youll get better.

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q. Since I became pregnant, My breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what youre doing with them.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause youre fatter then they are.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational.
A. So whats your question, idiot?

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Q. My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word alimony means anything to you.

Q. Im modest. Once Im in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, oderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts.

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the babys mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but its much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after theyre thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the babys diaper very quickly.

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams shes pregnant again.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmers mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say Yes, it was. The men would then ask, Can I borrow that mule? and I would shake my head and say, Cant, its all booked up for a year.