I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate middle-ages couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a group grope. — Tynan

A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.

When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride to be said, White.

The tailor was a bit surprised by this, and said, Excuse me, I dont mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I cant help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?

The woman replied, Im sorry to say, but thats the way it is. You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector… God I miss him.

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas.

Tom says I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW.

Harry asked if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW.

So if she didnt like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW said Tom, well what did you get your wife?

Harry replies well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo.

Tom laughs and askes why did you get her a dildo?

Well so if she didnt like the flip flops she could go screw herself

A woman was sick and tired of her husbands drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.

You dont scare me, the man said, looking her over calmly. I married your sister.

I must take every precaution not to get pregnant, said Edna to Priscilla.

But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy, Priscilla responded.

He did. Thats why I have to take every precaution.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?

Fourth Guy: Thats easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. Golf Course or Intercourse?, I ask. She says, Wear your sweater.

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?

The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

I am in total control, but dont tell my wife.

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.

Yeah she replies, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.

An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

Jesus Christ, woman! What the hell was that for? he yells.

Thats for 60 years of bad sex. she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

Ow!! she yells. What the hell was THAT for??

The husband looks at her and says, Thats for knowing the difference.