Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. — Rich Little

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. America, the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, Shes not from the States.

Yes, I am. said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, Is he your husband?

Yes, she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered…. Ill give you 100 camels for her. The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, Shes not for sale.

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, I was trying to figure out how Id get 100 camels back home.

Sign in a marriage counselors window: Out to lunch – Think it over.

Honolulu – its got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. — Ken Dodd

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said honey my hands are cold again. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, Honey my hands are cold again. She then said, Damn how much longer until your ears get cold?

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

There was a man who said, I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!

A secret pregnant lover

At the rehearsal dinner for my boss daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didnt marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.

Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled. What do I look like? Betty Crocker?