A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, Who is this?

This is the maid., answered the woman.

We dont have a maid! I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.

Well, this is her husband. Is she there? Ummm…shes upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband.

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, Listen, would you like to make $50,000?

What do I have to do?

I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that Bitch and the jerk shes with.

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. What should I do with the bodies?

Throw them in the swimming pool!

What pool?

Uh.. is this 832-4821?

Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, Im so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.

The grandmother was curious. What trick is that my dear? she asked.

The little boy replied, I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said Your ears.

What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!

Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husbands loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th? The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, Oh my God! The preacher said, Thats correct. And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation? The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, Jesus Christ! And the preacher said, Right again. With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born? The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, If you stick that damn thing in me again, Im going to break it in half!

This lady got home and bursts in yelling, Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery! The husband says Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains? She then replies, I dont care…Just get the hell out!

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and its obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The grooms best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

Well, replied the man when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.

Oh, you shouldnt worry about that too much, said his friend.

Im sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she cant expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!

The groom nodded gently and said, I dont know if I can get over this though… She gave me $20 change!