One day grandpa says to grandma Why dont we go to the motel like we used to do when we were young and get kinky?

So they get to the motel and go into the room.

Grandpa takes off his glasses and says he going to get into the shower to freshen up.

In the meantime grandma takes off her clothes and gets into bed.

She decides to do some leg stretches to limber up ( its been awhile ).

Well she throws her legs over her head and they get caught in the headboard.

Right then grandpa walks out of the bathroom and sees her that way.

My God woman he says you need to put your teeth in and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wifes side. Sleep now, its all right, he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, Honey, I really need to tell you something. Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.

Dont worry about it, Jake said, I allready know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?

The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later: Da-ad…

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What youd better have around de yard if youre going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Jakes wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Jakes old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jakes minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?

Well, Jake replied, the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, Is that mule for sale? and I shook my head, no.

A guy was invited to some old friends home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

I think its wonderful that after all the years youve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.

His buddy hung his head. To tell you the truth, he said, I forgot her name about ten years ago.

Laughing gas in balloons

At a friends wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons–all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.