Three men are at a bar, and two of the men are acting very macho and talking about the control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.

After a while, the first two men turn to the third and ask, What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?

The third man turns to the first two and says, Well, Ill tell you, just the other day I had her on her knees.

The first two men were dumbfounded.

Whoa! What happened next?, they asked, inching closer to hear what the third man had to say.

The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and said, Yep. I had her on her knees. Until she started screaming, Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friends wifes brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the marriage cup,
Whenever youre wrong, admit it,
Whenever youre right, shut up. — Nash

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, Time for Super Sex!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, Super Sex Super Sex Super Sex.

Finally, he replies, Ok, Ill take the soup.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasnt worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, I was coming up to die.

She laughed and replied, I was coming down to kill you!

Especially hrony one night, Mark rolled over and nuzzled his wife.

How about it, honey…? he asked tenderly.

Oh, Mark, Ive got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow, said his wife, going on to explain that the doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment.

Sam signed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled back and asked hopefully, You dont have a dentist appointment too, do you?

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered back, She made me a much better offer.

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!

The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.

Now the bride comes walking down the aisle and she too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honour notices this and says, Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats up – you look so excited!

The bride replies, I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Dont discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.

She thought a second, and then replied, Youre going to die.