Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of rings:
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

A mother of three is cleaning the kitchen when her youngest girl walks in and asks Mom where do babies come from? Looking surprised she answers, A baby is made when a man and a woman that love and trust each other go to a bedroom, and the man puts his penis in the womans vagina and a baby is made. The little girl then says, Oh ok. But last night when I was getting a drink I saw daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get with that? The mother answers, Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.

I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to return the unused part for my full refund.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Its just too hot to wear clothes today, Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money, she replied

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. so every day the husband would get home at 5 oclock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. in the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. this went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot. the shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans. one germ said, I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I dont think the antibiotics will find me there.

A second exclaimed, I am going to hide behind her right ear, I dont think theyll find me there.

The last germ said, I dont know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, Im gonna be on it!

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.

Jerry is watching the end of an intense baseball game when his wife taps him on the shoulder and asks, Honey, could you fix the front steps? Theyre ready to collapse.

He sighs and says, After the game, Flo.

Flo grinds her teeth. She nearly broke her neck climbing those stupid stairs and all he cares about is his stupid baseball game. Well, could you fix the light in the hall? Its been flickering for weeks.

He sighs and says, Darn it, Flo, Im a sports fan, not an electrician. Call Joe Burkes to fix it.

Flo counters: Can you fix the fridge door, then? It wont shut.

Jerry turns to talk to her and misses the game-winning homer. He turns back to the screen and sees people celebrating and carrying on. He wants to swear. Instead he says, You want me to fix the fridge? Who do I look like, the Maytag Repairman?

She opens her mouth and he hushes her silent. I need to cool down, he says. Im going out.

Jerry goes to his favorite watering hole and drinks for about an hour. After a couple beers, he starts to feel guilty about treating Flo so poorly. He returns home and notices the front steps have been repaired. He walks into the hall and sees the hall light working perfectly. He opens the fridge to grab a beer. The fridge door has been fixed, too.

He finds his wife and says, Honey, howd you fix all this stuff?

She smiles and says, After you left, I sat outside and cried. This nice young man was passing by and asked what was wrong. I told him. He offered to fix everything for me. All I had to do in return was make love to him or bake him a cake.

Jerry nodded, appreciatively. What kind of cake did you bake?

Flos smile widened. Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.