The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: Its your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: Youll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I dont want you to

The wife says: In not upset
The wife means: Of course Im upset you moron

The wife says: Youre … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Whats new? Most of my wife.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

This guy decides hes going to play a little joke on his wife one day. As she steps out of the shower, he grabs one of her breasts and says, If you firmed these up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your bra. He laughs and laughs.

The next morning, he again catches her as she finishes her shower and grabs her ass and says If you firmed this up a bit, you wouldnt have to keep using your girdle. Again he laughs and laughs, while his wife plots her revenge.

The next morning as he steps out of the shower, his wife grabbed his penis and says, If you firmed THIS up a bit, I wouldnt need to keep sleeping with your brother.

A deaf couple are on their honeymoon. The husband asks the wife in sign language Honey, how would I tell you when I want to have sex?.

The wife replies in sign language, if you want have sex bite my right nipple once, if you dont want to have sex bite my left nipple twice.

Agreeing with this, the wife asks the same question to the husband.

The husband replies Honey, if you want to have sex pull my penis once, if you dont want to have sex pull penis 27 times.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ?Hurry!? she said. ?Stand in the corner.? She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ?Don?t move until I tell you to,? she whispered. ?Just pretend you?re a statue.?

?What?s this, honey?? the husband inquired as he entered the room. ?Oh, it?s just a statue,? she replied nonchalantly. ?The Smith?s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.? No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two o? clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ?Here,? he said to the ?statue,? ?Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths? for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.?

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. her husband is looking for a rake and cant find it. He yells up to his wife, Wheres the rake?

She replies by shaking her head like she cant hear. So he points to his eye (I), hits his knee (need), then makes raking motions.

She replies by; pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch.

He runs up stairs and says, What?

She says, I left tit behind the bush.

Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each others character before marriage, which is never advisable. — Oscar Wilde

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

Will I have to go home and come back now? he asks. The woman says, Unbutton your shirt. So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

His wife says, You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.