Its true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said. An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed.

Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out, Matts riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

The phone rings in the middle of the night.

Before the wife can get it, her husband answers.

He hears a mans voice asking if the coast is clear.

Jesus, man he hollers how the hell should I know? The oceans 30 miles east of here.

May you never leave your marriage alive.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.

He says to the doctor, Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.

Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesnt reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, whats for dinner?

He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again.

No reply.

He moves five feet closer.

Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, whats for dinner?

She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew!

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, lets celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You dont like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Heres a $5 gift certificate for McDonalds.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, Ill take you to Pizza Hut if itll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.

The mother asks the daughter: What are you doing naked?

The daughter responds: This is the dress of love.

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.

When her husband arrives, he asks her: What are you doing naked, woman?

She responds: This is the dress of love.

And he says to her: Well, go iron it first.