A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce. The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you. Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want? The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here. She asks, Whats that? The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, Ive got the airbag!

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, youll be happy. If you get a bad one, youll become a philosopher. — Socrates

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesnt know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, I wonder if its magic. I think Ill rub it and find out.

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, Im your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, Give me a million dollars. So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the one condition.

Next the man said, Id like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast. So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me get a divorce.

The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds.

My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean? asked the attorney. Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

Steve, his wife said, while reading the newspaper, it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.

To which the husband replies, Sorry to hear that, dear. Im sure youll miss your mother being gone.

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!