Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. Sos the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, Son, what happened last night?

His son says, Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.

Confused, Bill asks, So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, Lady leave me alone, Im married!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea…lets pretend were married.

Why not, giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.

A man and his wife were traveling in Texas. A highway patrolman pulled the man over for speeding. The cop came up to the car and asked to see the mans license. The wife who was hard of hearing said, whatd he say? He said he wanted to see my license. The cop said youre from Ohio. The wife said whatd he say. The husband said I see youre from Ohio. The cop said the worst pussy he ever got was from a girl from Ohio. The wife said whatd he say. The husband said the cop thinks he knows you.

If its true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

Yes, but you know how I love to fish…

But arent you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?

Yes, but shes got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish

A few hours later, I understand, but thats not the only way to have sex.

I know, but shes got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…

The following day: Sure, but thats still not the only way to have sex.

Yeah, but shes got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: I guess Im not sure why youd marry someone with health problems like that.

Its cause shes also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. My love, he wrote, we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already Im starting to miss you and theres really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, were constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, why dont you learn to play this? Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. Darling he said, I cant wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love! She kissed him and said, First lets see you play that harmonica.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.