If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry. — Chekhov

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. What are you doing? the mother-in-law asked. I am waiting for my husband to come home from work, the daughter-in-law replied. Why are you naked? asked the mother-in-law. This is my love dress, the daughter-in-law replied. LOVE DRESS! You are naked, said the mother-in-law. But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy, said the daughter-in-law. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute, the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the LOVE DRESS and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. What are you doing? he asked. This is my love dress, the mother-in-law replied. Needs ironing, he replied

Q: What food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%

A: wedding cake

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

Schedule of a Wife and Mother:

Attempt to wake husband.
Feed baby.
Make breakfast.
Change baby.
Wake kids.
Dress kids.
Walk dog.
Feed baby.
Drive kids to school.
Drag husband out of bed.
Do laundry.
Iron clothes.
Clean house.
Make husband lunch.
Feed and change baby.
Clean house again.
Walk dog again.
Pick up kids.
Pick up school stuff.
Clean up dogs mess.
Make dinner.
Call repairman, plumber, electrician, and exterminator.
Swat flies.
Yell at kids.
Put kids to bed.
Change baby.
Go to Wal-Mart to stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again.
Go to bed. Get up.
Comfort baby.
Let dog out.
Change baby.
Let dog in.
Get 10 minutes of sleep.

Schedule of a Husband and Father

Sleep.
Go to work.
Sleep.
Drink coffee.
Have wife pick up.
Watch football and drink beer.
Fall asleep.
Go to bathroom.
Lift one heavy object for begging wife.
Go to bed.
Get sleep while wife feeds baby.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully.

The husband replies, Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I havent had the courage to ask before… I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I cant figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, Yes, he did have a different father.

Her husband was taken aback. Oh! Okay… I must know. Please tell me. Who was that childs father?

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, YOU.

I deserve to be married

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant ex-girlfriend appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said Lets all go to OLearys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.

The Italian said That sounds good, but if we go to Baldinis with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.

The Russian said That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstofs we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.

That sounds to good to be true! the Irishman exclaimed. Have you actually been there?

No, the Russian replied, but my wife goes there all the time.

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. I cant, dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: That big sissy.