Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.

I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.

Im better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience. he replied.

Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful? I asked in stunned disbelief.

Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying My husband is home! My husband is home!

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

On their wedding night, the young bride told her groom, Since were married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening if my hair is done, that means I dont want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. Last…if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.

The groom replied, OK, honey cup. Just make sure that when I come home, I usually have a drink…If I have only one drink, that means I dont want sex.

If I have two drinks, I may or may not be wanting sex. But if I drink more than two…your hair wont matter!

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for a heart attack the gentleman was having. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming – but I guess he was going.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
– Rocky, age 9

Sleep in your clothes so youll be dressed in the morning.
– Stephanie, age 8

Dont flush the john when your dads in the shower.
– Lamar, age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes.
– Carrol, age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
– Nicholas, age 11

Dont ever be too full for dessert.
– Kelly, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, Do I look stupid? dont answer him.
– Heather, age 16

Never tell your mom her diets not working.
– Michael, age 14

Dont pick on your sister when shes holding a baseball bat.
– Joel, age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when shes on the phone.
– Alyesha, age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
– Laura, age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
– Scott, age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
– Sam, age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like its moving.
– Rob, age 10

Never tell your little brother that youre not going to do what your mom told you to do.
– Hank, age 12

Remember youre never too old to hold your fathers hand.
– Molly, age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
– Chelsey, age 7

Stay away from prunes.
– Randy, age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
– Phillip, age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
– Cynthia, age 8

Remember the two places you are always welcome – church and Grandmas house.
– Joanne, age 11

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
– Matthew, age 12

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, she replied readily.

Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. The husband says WHAT?? The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. Well take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says but you dont even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it. The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. The husband says, no – no – no, honey were not going to buy all this stuff. The wifes face goes blank. No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!

A doctor called up a fellow and said, Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.

The guy says, Yes, thats right. Is there anything wrong?

Well, the doctor replies, heres the thing. Theres another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer’s.

Oh, my God, the man said, what will I do, doc?

Well, Ive been giving this some thought, said the doctor, and heres what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

Then what? says the distraught man.

Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DONT FUCK HER!