Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of ones wifes relatives.

An old country doctor went away out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath….Hit him again, the 5 year old said. He shouldnt have crawled up there in the first place!

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, June.

Yes, this is June.

Will you marry me?

Of course I will! Whos this?

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, Well, howd I do?

The nurse says, She had twins.

He says, Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if theres snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.

She says, Well, then youd better change filters. Both of the babies are black.

Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wifes favorite flower?

Jim leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isnt it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Ive got a better idea… lets pretend were married.

Why not? giggles the woman.

Good, he replies. Get your own blanket!

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn’t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.

The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.

The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…

Sonnys mother held up her hand. Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what youve just told me.

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, Im leaving you. Im packing now and Im leaving you.

But why– asked the startled father.

Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.

Well, Sonny said, I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wifes favorite flower?

Jim leaned over, touched his wifes arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isnt it?

The rest of the story is not pleasant.