Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.

Oh yeah, said Eddie. And how did this one end?

When it was over, Harvey replied. She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.

Really? Now thats a switch! What did she say?

She said, Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!

At a friends wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. Theres no way they can catch a Mercedes, he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. What am I doing? he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. Its been a long day, this is the end of my shift and its Friday the 13th. I dont feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before, you can go. The guy thinks for a second and says, Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back! Have a nice weekend, said the officer.

Carla, a 41 year old biologist, comes home from the doctor and runs into her bedroom. She rips her clothes off and starts jumping up and down of her bed.

Her husband Nathan walks into the room and watches Carla for a minute.

You look ridiculous, Nathan says. Whats gotten into you?

I just had my yearly check-up, Carla says. The doctor said I have the breasts of an 18 year old!

Yeah right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass? Nathan asks.

Funny, she says. Your name never came up.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be had a discussion with her mother. Mom, she said, I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.The mother took a deep breath and began, Dear, when two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing…I know how to screw, mother, the bride-to-be interrupted. I want you to know how to make your lasagna.

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, Perfect timing. Youre just like Dave.

Who?

Dave Aronson. Theres a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.

There are always a few clouds over everybody, says Morris.

Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.

He was something, huh?

He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybodys birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood.

No wonder you remember him.

Well, I never actually met Dave.

Then how do you know so much about him? asks Morris.

Because I married his widow.

Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office.

At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.

What was it about? asked Mary.

He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.

Well what is the problem with that?

He had a vasectomy two years ago!

If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children… – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.