He said… Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… This coffee isnt fit for a pig!
She said…No problem, Ill get you some that is.

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… Its not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Lets go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

When his wifes snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth.

Awk, glub! choked his startled wife. What the…

Its okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin, he explained.

Why? I dont have a headache!

Great! said Harry, triumphantly. Lets Make Love!

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex. But you are not wearing any of those things, he replied. I know, she said. Its in case I should die before my husband. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.

A man was in a terrible car accident, and his manhood was mangled and literally torn from his body (Ouch!). He was quickly rushed to the hospital…

Doctor Schwartz assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood and even better than before! But, his doctor said, the insurance companies dont cover the surgery, since it is considered cosmetic.

Doctor Schwartz explained that the cost would be $3,500.00 for the small version, $6,500.00 for the medium, and $14,000.00 for the whopper.

The man said that he was positive that he wanted the largest penis.

Doctor Schwartz strongly urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision, since she also should be asked about what actually would give her the most pleasure.

As the doctor left the room, the man quickly called his wife on the phone and explained all their options.

A little while later Doctor Schwartz returned to his patients room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

Well, what have the two of you decided? asked the Doctor.

The man somberly answered, She decided that shed rather use all of the money to remodel the kitchen!

Nina and Liz are having a conversation during there lunch break. Nina asks, So, Liz, hows your sex life these days? Liz replies, Oh, you know. Its the usual, Social Security kind. Social Security? Nina asked quizzically. Yeah, you get a little each month, but its not enough to live on.

All marriages are happy–its the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Suzie went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your husbands face while youre having sex?

Well, yes, I did once, answered Suzie.

Well, how did he look? asked the shrink.

Very angry.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well Suzie, thats very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only ever seen your husbands face once during sex? That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?

Suzie replied, He was looking through the window at us.

There were these three couples; one elderly, one middle aged, and one newly-wed that wanted to join the church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained, and they replied, Yes, no problem! So the minister says, Welcome to the church! Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question, and they said, Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it! So the minister says to them, Welcome to the church! Then the minister asks the newly wed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks. The husband says, We were unable to abstain, on the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me. So the minister says, Im sorry, but you are both banned from this church! To this the husband replies, Thats O.K., we cant go back to Safeway, either.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesnt agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers dont love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.