An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times already.

My girlfriend is weird.

Just the other day, she asked me, If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?

I thought about a moment and answered, No.

There was a pause, and then she said, Okay, forget it then.

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

2. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – itll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

5. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

6. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.

7. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8. Forget the Lexus and buy a Mini Van. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There!, Perfect!

9. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps.Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

11. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child – a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

12. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

13. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing I love you, you love me at work, now, CONGRATULATIONS! … you finally qualify as a parent.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. –H.L. Mencken

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, Hey, no screwing! They yell back, Were not screwing!

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, Hey, no screwing! Again they yell back, Were not screwing! Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, Hey, I said no screwing! They yell back, Were not screwing!

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. Hes not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like theyre screwing.

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps theyre too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. My wife and I are completely equal partners, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. Its a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Wheres the car? She said, In the lake.
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, Im sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, Arent you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?

The old lady calmly replied, Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

Its for my mother-in-law, explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, My Doberman here killed her.

Gee…Thats terrible, commiserated the spectator. But… Hmmmm… Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, Get in line.

May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live together in a one-room house.

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. My wife, the man replied. Im sorry, said Bill. What happened to her? My dog bit her and she died. Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well. Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, Can I borrow your dog? To which the man replied, Get in line.