Screwed to death?
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, What are those for?

The elderly groom replied, There are two things I cant stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you….On your wat home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts, Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you hit bulls-eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knew, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue….Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at you husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green, that they should go see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. Im afraid your sex life is as good as it can ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us! Well, alright, the doctor said. on your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apple and a box of Cheerios……

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, Here, put these on. She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
I cant wear your trousers, she said.

Thats right, said the husband, and dont you ever forget it. Im the man who wears the pants in this family.

With that she flipped him her panties and said, Try these on.

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. Hell, he said. I cant get into your panties!

She replied, Thats right, and thats the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.

A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: WANTED. Husband that wont beat me or kick me. Good sex a must.

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

Well, you dont have any arms. she notices. I cant beat you then, can I? he replies.

And you dont have any legs! SO! That only means I cant kick you.

She pauses for a moment and then asks, Well what about the sex? He answers confidently,

How do you think I knocked on the door.

There was a man who was throwing a party at his house when suddenly and unexpectedly the devil showed up.

All of the people at the party started running out of the house except for the one man who was throwing the party.

The devil asked the man, Why arent you running away like the rest of those fools?

The ran replied, Are you kidding? Why should I?

Ive been married to your sister for 28 years!

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the womans appearance.

Honey, youre just a young thing, she remarked, but you look like hell. Whats up?

Ive been double-crossed, the miserable bride moaned. When he said hed been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldnt overcome and didnt really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldnt say a word. She said, Im going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldnt ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, And so made sure that she would stay, In better spirits night and day.

Good evening ladies, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

Do you know them? Dr. Watson asked. No, Holmes replied, Ive never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.

Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?

Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.

The prostitute, he continued, grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.

Amazing! Watson exclaimed. But how did you know the third was a newlywed?

Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.