Mary and Betty were friends that worked in the same office. At lunch, Betty confided to her co-worker that she had an awful row with her husband the night before.

What was it about? asked Mary.

He was going through a closet, looking for something, and found my birth control pills.

Well?

He had a vasectomy two years ago!

A big-game hunter went on safari with his new wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, What are we going to do?

Nothing, said the hunter husband. The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.

A 98 year old man lay on his death bed. According to all of the doctors, he would not live to see another sunrise. All of a sudden, he became aware of the ever increasing scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen 2 floors below. He thought, Before I leave this world, I MUST have just ONE of my wifes wonderful chocolate chip cookies.

After all, it was such a batch of cookies made by his wife that first won his heart more than 80 years prior when they were first dating. What better way to depart this life than with the warm and loving taste of his wifes cookies still lingering on his palate?

The man bravely and arduously rolled himself in his bed until he was finally able to fall off of the bed onto the floor. He then pulled himself by his elbows, out of the room, into the hallway.

He continued to pull himself to the stairwell where he backed himself down the 2 flights of stairs, painfully sliding down one step at a time. The man then pulled himself through the parlor, living room, dining room and finally into the kitchen.

Tears swelled in his eyes as he contemplated all of the love that his wife had put into that final batch of cookies. This was a most appropriate final act of love offered to him by the woman who had shared her life with him for more than 80 years.

He pulled himself to the counter top where the cooling batch of cookies lay, sending their aroma deep into his nostrils and announcing to the world that his wifes love for him was most certainly as fresh and warm today as on the day she married him.

He rested his body weight on his left elbow and with shaking determination, ever so slowly raised his right arm to a point that put his fingers so close to the cookies that he could feel the rising heat caressing his fingertips.

His wife turned her head and noticed her husband in his galant struggle to reach for the cookies. She then grabbed his hand and declared, Oh no you dont, THOSE are for the funeral!

Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.

I had sex with my wife before we were married, said Don, did you?

Gee, I dont know, answered Arty. What was your wifes maiden name?

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, its not so hot.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasnt. — Borge

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said what the hell are you doing.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. But it really doesnt seem to be working she said.

The husband said wait a minute I have an idea. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said what are you doing?

He said well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten!

Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.